We know that you will have a lot of questions about marriage, so we asked two of our pastors to provide some short answers to help you think through these things biblically. Each Pastor’s answer is in a different colour. 

1. What does God want me to do if I have two (or three, or more) wives?

Some men say it is okay to have more than one wife because men in the Bible like Abraham, David and Solomon had many wives. God designed marriage to be made up of one man and one woman – that’s the first family He created. If you put off your wives you’re not divorcing them, but you’re restoring your marriage after the will of God. God told Abraham to put off Hagar and her son Ishmael (Genesis 21:12). You can do that too by God’s grace.

God instituted marriage in the beginning. He gave one woman, Eve, to one man, Adam, in marriage (Genesis 2:24). Jesus spoke of this in Mark 10:7-9, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” God wants us to have one wife and to be faithful to one wife only. Therefore, you have to make a decision to be faithful and committed to one wife only, I think the best action is to stay with your first love, the first wife whom God has joined you with. I believe that the other wives came out of adulterous and sinful relationships. If you have children with the other wives, you will be still responsible for caring for them.

2. Is it okay to have sex with my boyfriend if I plan to marry him?

No. He may be your friend but both of you are not married yet. Sex outside of marriage is adultery. God purposely designed sex for marriage and marriage only. Many times, if not all the time, sex is mistaken as love. If your friend truly loves you, he will not ask you to have sex with him before marriage. Marriage is a life-long commitment between one man and one woman. If your boyfriend asks you for sex when you’re both are not married yet, what makes you think that he will not ask another girl when you’re not satisfying his sexual desire? If a boy doesn’t ask you for sex, it is because he respects you as a person and wants to do what’s right for you. He doesn’t want your body. He wants to share his life with you for as long as you both shall live. This young man truly loves you. If your boyfriend keeps asking you for sex and gets mad at you for not meeting his desire, then it is clear that he doesn’t love you, he wants only your body. Beware of such men! If he truly loves you, he will wait till you both are married properly in the Lord.

No. The Bible gives us three parts to marriage (Genesis 2:24). First, you have to leave your parents. Second, you must be united (married) to your wife. Third, you become one flesh. Becoming one flesh refers to the sexual union. Sex comes last. This is God’s plan for marriage. Therefore, I would say no to sex before marriage because it is a sin of fornication and it is not holy before God’s eyes. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will respect you and keep your virginity until your marriage bed. After all, God’s plan for sex is that it will only be used in marriage.

3. What do I do if my wife doesn’t submit to me?

God commands husbands to love their wives. That includes loving a stubborn and adulterous wife. The prophet Hosea is such a perfect example. God tells him to go and find his adulterous wife and take her home again. It is indeed a very heartbreaking situation, but you must love your wife even if she does not submit to you. You just do what you are called to do: love her and pray earnestly for her. Lord willing, she may repent of her sin one day. Even if she does not repent you still have to love her. If she does not repent, she will be held accountable before the Just God for not submitting to the man God gave her.

The Bible tells us that wives should submit to their husbands. If your wife does not submit to you, show her from the Bible and sit down with her and talk about it. Explain that what she is doing is not right in God’s eyes and it is sin. Forgive her for what she has done to you, pray with her, and hope that the LORD will help her to submit herself to you. Love her as Christ loves you. Your love for her may bring her to submission. Many wives do not submit themselves to their husbands because they are not loved by their husbands. We men must always remember that the submission of our wives comes easiest when we love them. If your wife still does not submit to you even though you talk about it with her, pray about it and show her love and then follow the principle that is written in Matthew 18:15-20.

4. What should happen to a pastor who commits adultery?

He has to repent from what he’s done. He must also be put off from ministry because he is not giving a good example to the congregation, especially the men, if he still keeps preaching.

1 Timothy 3:2 tells us that the overseers are to be the husband of one wife. If a pastor commits adultery, it is a public, serious and gross sin. The pastor must be dealt with by the church leaders. He must be suspended from his work as a pastor. If he does not show true repentance, he must be deposed (removed completely) as a pastor. Even if he does repent, some might not trust and respect him anymore, so that he cannot work as a pastor. If he truly repents, the elders of the church may suspend him for a period of time, and when they see that there is sufficient evidence of repentance, the suspension may be lifted and he can be restored back to his office again.

5. Can I divorce my wife because she’s barren and marry another woman so I can have an heir from her?

You can’t divorce your wife on the grounds of barrenness. A man can divorce his wife if she commits adultery with another man (Matthew 19:9). You can’t divorce your wife only because she doesn’t bear you children. God, in His perfect plan, has many reasons why He does not give children to a married couple. In all cases, it is a test from God. Will you love your wife even if she bears you no children? Will you follow God’s will, even when it hurts?

Many Papua New Guineans think that the main purpose for marriage is to have children. A man must have children, but especially sons to have recognition in the community. And so, if the wife is not able to bear or have children, she is seen as something nothing. Many men leave their wives who cannot give them children. And even worse, some divorce their wives because she has not given them a son.

But the Bible tells us that God hates divorce, (Malachi 2:16) and whoever divorces his wife and marry another commits adultery (Matthew 19:9). It is sin in the eyes of the Lord to divorce. A barren wife, a wife who cannot give you a child or even son, is no reason in God’s eye for divorce.

Yes, of course, children are important in our lives, but our wives are more important because it is the number one relationship after God. God has bound us together as one flesh and what God has put together, let no one separate, let nothing separate, including barrenness.

Having children is not the only reason why we marry. The number one purpose for marriage is to give glory to God. Ephesians 5:22-33 says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her and wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ. Marriage is to be a picture of Christ and His church here on earth. A husband and a wife IS a complete family. Yes, children are a gift from God, but even if you have no children, you can always thank the LORD for giving you your wife because with her you can become a picture of Christ and the church, and can shine God’s glory here on earth now.

6. None of my friends are waiting for marriage before they have sex. Why should I?

As a Christian, you should let God’s Word determine your life. You can’t let someone’s action compel you to have sex before marriage, for God’s ways are not like ours. God wants you to be a light to those who are living in darkness. As Christians, we ought to take captive every thought, such as sexual desire, and make them obedient to Christ (1 Corinthians 10:5). If you can’t control your desires, it is better that you marry than burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9). The best answer as to why you have to wait is because you are not your own, but belong with body and soul to Christ.

As God teaches us in Acts 4:19, we must listen to GOD rather than men. We must avoid and flee from sin with all our might. “Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness,” the Apostle Paul says to Timothy (2 Timothy 2:22) and in Romans 13:14, he says, “Make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:14).

7. When I read these articles, they make me feel like a very bad husband. What should I do?

Be assured that you are not alone in this battle. There are millions like you. In fact, you will not find a perfect husband on this earth. Since these articles were written based on the Word of God you should submit to what God is saying. That is the only possible thing you could do. Firstly, you repent from your sins and ask God to help you and give you the grace to be a good husband. You can’t do this alone. You need Jesus!

Do not lose hope. There is hope in Christ. Satan’s plan to destroy marriages started in the beginning with Adam and Eve and continues throughout history. He comes only to kill and destroy marriages. But Christ came and died and rose again and He lives forever. Bring your marriages to the Living One, Jesus Christ. Bring it to the cross of Jesus. Pray and work at your marriage by the power of the Holy Spirit. If you ask for forgiveness, God is faithful and He will forgive your sins and help restore your marriage. You are never too late. In Christ alone, you can start a new life in your marriage.

8. My husband is a drunkard who never supports me or my children. How can I respect him and submit to him, like Ephesians 5 teaches?

This is a very hard situation, but do not let the situation dictate your duty as a wife. Keep doing what you are doing even if he doesn’t acknowledge your efforts. If he asks money to buy beer, gently tell him that you have to provide for the needs of your children. Keep doing the good work you’re doing, but don’t let him involve you in his trade. He might not recognise that you are submitting to him by providing for his children, but God sees what you’re doing.

Even though your husband is a drunkard and never supports you or your children, you are still called by God to submit to him. Many women find it hard to submit to their drunkard husbands who are not helpful or are not believers. The Apostle Peter says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of the wife” (1 Peter 3:1-2). Actions speaks louder than words. You do not know for sure, but God may use your actions and prayer to can win over your unbelieving husband.

9. I can’t afford to pay the bride price, but my girlfriend and I want to get married. We are even thinking about eloping. What should we do?

It is best you sit with your friend’s relatives and tell them about your love for each other. That is more honourable than eloping. Tell them that you honour them and would love to give something back to show that you appreciate them, but you can’t afford it. Tell them that you love their daughter and would make every effort to make a good husband and father, should the Lord bless you with children. Eloping would only have your friend’s family to feel that you have not honoured them as parents which may also cause more trouble for you both.

Just be courageous and honest. Pray about it and seek the LORD for help. Go straight to your girlfriend’s parents and tell them the truth that you love their daughter very much and would really love to have her as your wife, but you cannot afford to pay the bride price. You must have the blessing from the parents before you both leave. That is God’s plan: “Leave parents, cleave to wife, and become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Do not run away, but live in peace with the blessing from both of your families.